This week was truly apocalyptic as I was treated to not ONE, but TWO nights of television bliss when ABC & Team Bachelor surprised 'Merica with .. Bachelor Tuesday! It only seems fitting to title this post 'El Tiablo' (props to Mary-Alice for that one) because just when I thought American Horror Story was over, God gave us Tierra.
The internet has EXPLODED with how much it hates Tierra. She was even
trending on Twitter last night. Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water after Ben's season
with of
Courtney, ABC hands us this little
gem ball of hellfire, Tierra LiCausi. She makes Courtney's edit seem like a DREAM. And I submit to you, no matter how tierrable I thought Courtney was, this girl gives the word both new meaning & new spelling. At least Courtney was smart (& albeit mean, but also very funny... if we're being honest)
In this week's offerings (as in life's), the devil goes by many names, Tierrable, Tierrarist, Emotional Tierrarist, El Tiablo, Tiny T, Slore (don't ask - because REALLY, ladies, we've reduced ourselves to slut shaming?) but she only has one game. If you thought you knew someone who could play victim better than Meryl in Sophie's Choice, think again. Although I just have to say, no, Tierra, it's not
pity shit, it's
PETTY shit. And nothing gets under my skin more than a botox job gone wrong, a grating whiny voice, & a girl who can't even trash talk with proper sentence structure &/or grammatical skills.
I'm sure I could write a novel on how I'm
not impressed with her manipulation skills, but for another day, dear readers (all 4 of you), for another day.
M O N D A Y
Lindsay gets the first one on one in our new location, Whitefish, Montana. Lindsay, I just don't like her (but who do I really like, ever?) She's okay. And so is their date. He seems really into her, but I just keep thinking, if what you're "connecting" on is that you both want to someday have a family, get married, only be married once, and have a stable relationship.. then I'd say you've found like 80% of all living people. I just don't see it. Plus, my boyfriend literally yells at the television when she's on, he finds her so annoying (which is, in fact, very comical, I'm sure you were wondering). She gets the rose though, and then literally the entire town of Whitefish comes out to listen to a private concert. Sean & Lindsay dance on a platform that places their feet at eye-level for all bystanders, right in the center of the crowd. Seems very awkward & pagan-ritual-esque to me, but what do I know? I'm just from Texas.
Group date - this involves 8 girls, Selma, Robyn, Lesley, AshLee, Catherine, Des, Sarah, & Daniella (which leaves Jackie & Tiablo to duel head to head in the famed & dreaded 2 on 1 date!!) The group date involves a competition including a kayak (canoe?! are they the same!?
help me I have no idea), bales of hay, 2 giant saws (bad idea ABC), and some goats waiting to be milked. Also, someone has to drink the hot, unpasteurized creamy goat bi-product before their team can win. Apparently, these extreme competition dates are a new thing, but I'm just confused because I thought I was watching The Bachelor
, not The Amazing Race Fear Factor Big Brother.. In a strange twist, my boyfriend wins. Because he volunteers to drink ALL of the goat's milk.
But really, it doesn't matter who wins because they all get to come to the party any way, which ruffles some very particularly preened feathers. And what do you know, Tierra shows up. Because apparently she does whatever the fuck she wants and no one cares. Seriously, I know these girls are "trying" to confront the issues, but she's about 4 feet tall & they drink a LOT of adult beverages on this show. It's quite frankly a miracle, divine or otherwise decidedly
NON divine intervention that keeps this woman alive. But in a
truly shocking twist, Daniella gets the rose.
THE TWO ON ONE - in the wise words of Chris Harrison,
Two Women, One Rose. One Stays, One Goes. We all wait for this
like those capitol freaks at the reaping and now it's here.. You can't look away, it's a train wreck.
Let's reflect on the Blakeley scrapbooking fiasco of '12 (said in Old Hollywood voice) .. it almost hurts to watch, but we do, and we love it. Was anyone really shocked that Tierra gets the rose and Jackie, who we've literally seen about 4 times, goes home. Kudos to Jackie, who I feel like I know less than the people I spend time with in the elevator on the way up 3 floors to work each day. You are one of the 7 individuals with experience on reality television who has maintained the veil of mystery. Who are you? We will probably never know. Unless you come out swinging at the Women Tell All.. Only time will tell.
Rose Ceremony: Super uncomfortable, but I always become giddily excited when women invoke their astrology signs as rationale for their behavior and how they will or will not react in any given situation. Thank you Tierra, again, you never fail to disappoint. Robyn leaves, which is sad because I'm thinking she got the axe because Sean mistook the "drama person in the house" (which, Tierra, I'm pretty sure is NOT a real term) for her, not
her nemesis the world's nemesis, Tierra. And then they were all white (just kidding, Selma only looks white, and Catherine is some sort of racially ambiguous).
T U E S D A Y
Catherine gets the first one on one during Bachelor Tuesday. She's cute, she's still not wowing me with her clothing choices (but I did really dig the black knee-high/over the knee boots - hard to tell with all those layers, the Frye Melissa or
Jackie? Currently on my
want list) but any ways, Sean operates seriously heavy machinery (is he licensed to drive a snow-bus, I'm thinking no..) they ride in a horse-drawn carriage (I thought those were really awful for animal rights, no?) to a castle made of
glass much like these relationships ice. Apparently, this kicks off the tell-your-sob-story portion of the season, as this seemed to be the week all the ladies brought their worst skeletons out to play in order to establish a "stronger connection" with Sean. Maybe it's just the editing, but these always seem like such an insincere, non-genuine ploy. They truly make my skin crawl. It could also be poor communication skills & all the alcohol, but please. Doesn't alcohol make us
ALL better communicators?
Amiright?
Catherine gets the rose. And, really, I like her. In the way you like a college freshman when you're a senior, as she giggles nervously at everything you say. I'm truly a tierrable person. But she's cute, she grows on you, I'm hoping that as we see more of her, she continues to not disappoint.
More group date fun this week with Tierra, AshLee, Lesley, Daniella, Lindsay, Selma, & Sarah. They're going to canoe (I'm sure I'm right this time) across Lake Louise (oh, we've moved the Canada, no biggie, we jump locations all the time in this show). SURPRISE "ladies", we're doing the
Polar Bear Plunge - Sean says "YOLO" (I wish I was kidding.. actually, no I don't) & then the medics come out to explain, it's true, you
DO only live once, and here are all of the medical & health-related risks to submerging yourself fully in water that's temperatures are
just below freezing. Princess Selma opts out in a wild streak of rationale (I know immediately, this means, SEE YA SELMA), but all the rest strip down
reluctantly (stripping is never reluctant on this show) and run right in. Lesley, CUTE bikini. Girl, where's that from? (I'd guess VIX. Love the leather detailing).
This is the part we've all been waiting for, Tierra gets hypothermia & dies. Sean actually says there's pretty much nothing I can do, so I'll leave it to the experts, & pays almost no mind until he visits her in her hotel room later. She's conveniently JUST plugged herself back into the oxygen tank. Their exchange is, as always, annoying, and horizontal. Men are SO hard to predict, right? He says, hey girl, take it easy, no need to come to the night portion of our group date tonight. Which he should know means she'll be there with bells on AT ALL COSTS. But too bad, so sad, Tiablo, because Lesley gets the group date rose (That's 1 for God & America, if we're keeping score).
Later, something is just not sitting right with Sean. He heads to surprise his harem with news of what's up. To
quote a fellow (though, eons more established)
recapper, "Yep rose-lovers, the time we all knew was coming has arrived: The one-armed girl is being sent home."
... Sarah leaves. And it's sad. She's got GREAT style (I've said it before) and a great job, and I know all of America wishes her the best. See you at the Women Tell All.
& on Twitter.
& on Instagram. Apparently, I'm girl-crushin' hard.
Des goes on the next date, her SECOND one-on-one (everyone's all aflutter with this). They repel down a giant steep cliff, have a picnic, climb a tree, totally normal stuff. Then they hang out in a teepee (which is totally a new life goal -
specifically this teepee, thanks
Allie for the
knowledge!). And we learn Des was homeless & SUPER poor. But, she shrugs it off, never tears up, articulates her
miserable fairly normal life circumstance well, and re-wins
my Sean's heart in the process. Love that Des. It's too bad ABC hinted that she had a secret boyfriend early on in the season... guess we'll see how that one pans out later friends.
P.S. I'm totally on TEAM DES.
Rose ceremony YET again... Who will leave tonight? I'm callin' Selma & Daniella early... Selma cashes in her good girl "I can't kiss on national television" chips and plants an awkwardly long close-mouthed kiss on Sean. She wouldn't get half-naked and jump in subzero temps though, so I'm still fairly certain I'm right. Daniella, who literally always appears AND seems she's just walked off the set of
Clueless, gets virtually no one-on-one time, so I feel fairly safe in this assumption as well. That doesn't mean I don't
hope that Tierrable the Tiny isn't getting the boot, I just know better (since ABC showed her fighting with AshLee in a tropical locale). Also, WHAT is Tierra wearing you guys? This strange white high-low chiffon concoction complete with fake strip of fur around her shoulders (like a vest, but not!?)... Can't wait to read
Possessionista's thoughts on that one.
Selma & Daniella head home... & the rest of us head to St. Croix & the US Virgin Islands! Here's hoping this is the last stop on the "Where in the World is Man-Eating Tierra" tour.
