People might think the internal battles we face result in decisions. That we fight different thoughts, feelings, emotions (some of these, our own), & ultimately we make a choice. Though the choice may connote finality, it is not. Maybe now it seems obvious, but after you have determined your intended direction, the struggle is far from over.
| Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, | |
| And sorry I could not travel both | |
| And be one traveler, long I stood | |
| And looked down one as far as I could... |
If you know me, you know that I LOVE my job. Like, in a weird, abnormal way previously thought only possible in 30 minute sitcoms, & strange B-grade movies with no emotional depth. I love my team, I love the rest of the team (well, mostly), & I love coming every day. I forget what day of the week it is, it doesn't really feel like work. As content as I have been here, I suppose that there is always some part of the human race that wants more. Then, I had this amazing carrot dangled in front of me. Or maybe rather, just dropped in my lap. If carrots could talk, it would have said "you will have to actively express a lot of disinterest to get rid of me".
| Then took the other, as just as fair, | |
| And having perhaps the better claim, | |
| Because it was grassy and wanted wear; |
I am, personally, of the persuasion that believes, you should never ignore carrots. So, I jumped (yes, I know, I told you it was in my lap). Hook. Line. Sinker. Now, I'm standing at the edge of what is not just comfortable, but amazing, & looking out at this giant question mark that I willingly chose.
| And both that morning equally lay | |
| In leaves no step had trodden black. | |
| Oh, I kept the first for another day! | |
| Yet knowing how way leads on to way, | |
| I doubted if I should ever come back. |
Logic tells me that right now, I'm being emotional. I'm sad to leave people & a place that I love, that has loved me back, & given me a lot. I'm truly, deeply sad. It's hard to express this to people adequately without the blank stare, (sometimes evident) slight look of disgust "Well then, don't leave."Like it's this DUH-moment that I just haven't had yet. A part of me (part A, let's call it) knows, that I could stay here forever & be completely content. That part of me screams at the part (part B) that thought a new challenge sounded necessary. WHAT is WRONG with part B of me? WHAT am I thinking? If you're happy, what-in-the-masochist am I trying to pull here?
| I shall be telling this with a sigh | |
| Somewhere ages and ages hence: | |
| Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— | |
| I took the one less traveled by... | |
And here is what I know. I know life is about experiences. A long string of them, some make sense, some seem like a strange after thought in a Fitzgerald novel, some suck, & some are incredible. This is another experience. Another thing, a lot of other things. It's a new path. It doesn't make it any less valid. It doesn't mean it will be any less important to me, when some day, another day, I again look at 2 paths. It's simply new. It's unknown, un-walked. It's scary, it's hard. It's uncomfortable for reasons, but the largest one being because it isn't comfortable.
I've heard before that you should do the thing that scares you most, the thing that terrifies you. The only thing to fear, is fear itself right? I might be shaking, but next Friday will come no matter what. I can try & pretend I'm just going on a long vacation, deny until the end, until I have more easily transitioned & it's obvious that I am not returning to this cluttered desk, but pretending I'm organized & interesting at a new one. It's strange to leave a thing you love before you feel your time has passed. Strange & probably very uncommon. I look to the future with high hopes, & the knowledge that the things I have learned & the people I now love will not leave me.
I suppose it's on to the next adventure. & a secret girls club podcast. And only time will tell what makes all the differences.
