The Mean Reds

I suppose lately, I'd been experiencing what Holly Golightly so artfully dubbed, a case of "the mean reds".

And Fred Baby says, "The mean reds? You mean like the blues?"

But no, sweet George Peppard, no.

"The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of... when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that'd make me feel like Tiffany's, then - I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name!"

Lately, I've been taking a lot of beatings. I don't mean to use this term lightly. I lost my drive, lost my spirit, but most of all, I'd lost the will to keep trying to pretend like I was okay.

And maybe that's okay. Maybe enough is enough. Maybe I don't have to pretend like it's fine when it's not.

I have a ("most likely" non-cancerous) tumor. I have 2 tabs open that wager my salary should be significantly higher. I have been working my ass off since January for something that might be finally taking a recognizable shape. I have a clearer knowledge of what a monthly payment looks like on a million dollar home (and a clearer knowledge of how unlikely it is that I will ever own one..) However, out of the purgatory I feel I've been stuck in since mid-January, I finally see things clearly.

It was a LOT of struggle for this one moment of peaceful clarity. I'm starting to think that's what life is, a LOT of struggle for a few solid moments when you know and truly value what and who you have in your corner.

25 is a time when a lot of people break down according to other people's expectations. Tomorrow, or probably even by Thursday, I will concern myself with that daunting timeline again that says I need to pencil in marriage, babies, and making sensible financial decisions (okay so the latter I should definitely prioritize)... but for tonight, I have some pimento cheese, the season finale of GIRLS, and the comfort of knowing I'm surrounded by great people who care about much more than my success at checking off boxes along this crazy ride; life.